Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Two Years, and Still in Wonder.

I'm aware that I haven't wrote anything here for a while. I'm not sure why - perhaps because there's nothing new under the sun, or if there is, I don't have the eloquence to do it justice. Perhaps because part of me craves invisibility, and quiet, and not having to think. Maybe it was being busy, or tired (Ok, lazy), or the feeling that is somehow a selfish activity. I honestly don't know the whys, just like I don't really know why I'm writing today, when there are practical, homely duties I could and should be attending to.

The twins will be 2 soon, and even now, even after having them for 2 years, my heart swells with love and pride, and my head fills with disbelieve and confusion that these 2 bright, funny, expressive, fierce, engaging wonders, could possibly be mine. I fear for them, as I suppose all mothers do for their children. But my fears are not for what is 'out there' in the world, they are not for accident, or illness, or lurking, unknown predators. My fear for them, is that they are affected by my insularity, and self-critical ways, and fearfulness. I want Gareth to keep the outgoing, passionate, goofy, affectionate ferocity that he has. I want Molly to keep her quieter charm, and love of prettiness, and the outdoors. I do not want to be the shadow that dims their light.

When the twins were babies, I remember a time my husband was trying to comfort a crying Molly. She kept sobbing, and sobbing, and eventually he handed her over to me. She snuggled in, and stopped crying almost instantly, and it struck me I am their safe place. Sometimes, even now, the privilege and responsibility of it overwhelms me. When Molly climbs into my lap and cuddles in, or when Gareth pulls my head down towards him with his surprising little-boy strength to kiss me, I am filled with love, and wonder; confusion, and unworthiness. Will I ever settle in to motherhood? Will I ever loose this faint sense of disbelief in these gifts that I've been given, or the faith these gifts have in me?


  1. oh my gosh -I cried. This is gorgeous.

    The thing is Ashleigh, you may not know this, but you have the gift of knowing how to love. Lots of people feel safe with you. This gift is not a small thing, it is the biggest thing in the world, that people know they are loved. Lots of people love, and only a few know how to communicate it and LIVE IT effectively.

    You are a blessing to us all. And because of your gift, your children will grow this gift inside them, too.

  2. Amy, thank you. Honestly, I sometimes feel that behaving lovingly is something I'm not that great at. I have to be on guard against impatience. Thank you for letting me know that I'm getting something right, at least some of the time x