I badly need to buy some clothes. My husband has made it clear he doesn't like me going out in my paint-stained sweats and baggy top, because I'm 'representing'.
So, today, my usual 'going out' outfit (jeans and decent top) was in the wash. Hubby was at work, and I did toy with the idea of going out looking like a rat hanging out a midden, because hey, he's at work, he'll never know.
But I didn't. I knew he'd be disappointed in me, so I didn't. Unfortunately, the only decent thing I had to put on, was a dress.
I put it on, and felt ridiculous, but I went out in it anyway. I felt ridiculous, because any time I put on something vaguely attractive, I feel like I'm living a lie, that I'm play-acting.
'That's not me' I think to myself 'I look stupid, I'm being ridiculous' are other thoughts that run through my mind.
When it comes to shopping, the thoughts are even more pervasive:
'Nothing will fit.'
'I have no right to be here'
'I don't deserve this'
'I'm in the way.'
I know that confidence comes partly with practice. I know that many people say 'fake it 'til you make it'
That seems scary though, which is why the only thing that gave the confidence to keep the dress on, and not change back into the familiar bagginess and androgynous asexual nature of my usual attire, was to take a long, shapeless cardi, and frump it up. Just a bit.