Toddlers X 2

Ok, I no longer have babies. I have 2 toddlers, even though Gareth isn't standing/ walking independently yet, I still class him as a toddler, because he scoots around the furniture, gets in to everything, and is developing a rather, ahem, forceful personality.

Their favourite toy is usually a yoghurt pot, which they will fight over. We've tried giving them a yoghurt pot each. No good. They will still fight over the same yoghurt pot.

However, to be fair, they do work together. They take turns putting things down the ramp on their play-mobile garage. They worked well together uprooting the newly planted violas. The other day, they showed great team work when they worked together to empty Gareth's clothes out of his drawer - they even went as far as to help with washing, by dropping one of Gareth's cardigans in the tub while I was running a bath.

They like to unplug the speakers from the computer, take the phone off the hook, throw random things in the washing machine, 'help' me fold clothes, do quality control on the wet wipes, (by taking each one out of the pack to inspect it), Gareth likes to try and turn around, and climb up to see what's on the back of the sofa about 10 times during every meal,  and they like to remove the smart card from the TV.

But then again, they also like to do silly things and make each other laugh. Gareth likes to pretend to be a scary lion. Molly likes to get a cloth and pretend to clean things, and she likes to try and pull clothes over her head. They like it when I blow raspberries on their tummies, or read Monkey and Me. They like it when I sing songs, and do silly dances, and teach them the actions to 'I'm a little tea-pot.' Gareth likes to say 'Boo!' and it's very cute, because he doesn't understand yet, that you're supposed to hide first.  They like to play in the bath together, and then get into their PJ's and have a cuddle and a drink of milk before bed.

The every day slog of this stage can be hard. Writing things down like this helps me gain perspective. It helps me step back and see that yes, there are challenges, but there's also a lot of joy and fun.

The twins are mischievous, cheeky, engaging, cute, lovable, and very, very loved, but I'm still glad when 7.30pm comes and it's time to put them to bed, and settle down with a glass of wine and a good book.

Frightened of the Feminine

I badly need to buy some clothes. My husband has made it clear he doesn't like me going out in my paint-stained sweats and baggy top, because I'm 'representing'.

So, today, my usual 'going out' outfit (jeans and decent top) was in the wash. Hubby was at work, and I did toy with the idea of going out looking like a rat hanging out a midden, because hey, he's at work, he'll never know.

But I didn't. I knew he'd be disappointed in me, so I didn't. Unfortunately, the only decent thing I had to put on, was a dress.

I put it on, and felt ridiculous, but I went out in it anyway. I felt ridiculous, because any time I put on something vaguely attractive, I feel like I'm living a lie, that I'm play-acting.

'That's not me' I think to myself 'I look stupid, I'm being ridiculous' are other thoughts that run through my mind.

When it comes to shopping, the thoughts are even more pervasive:

'Nothing will fit.'

'I have no right to be here'

'I don't deserve this'

'I'm in the way.'

I know that confidence comes partly with practice. I know that many people say 'fake it 'til you make it'

That seems scary though, which is why the only thing that gave the confidence to keep the dress on, and not change back into the familiar bagginess and androgynous asexual nature of my usual attire, was to take a long, shapeless cardi, and frump it up. Just a bit.